The Swan Hotel at Staines

The estimable AA Gill once started an article: “Grimsby. It’s not as nice as it sounds.” A review that starts “Staines – it’s not as nice as it sounds” would also work, though that is a bit harsh on Staines, which dates back to Roman times and is now a Surrey commuter town. Sacha Baron Cohen’s character Ali G ironically portrayed Staines as a tough, urban neighbourhood, and in 2012 the local authority changed the name of the town to Staines-upon-Thames, presumably to emphasise its bucolic setting by the river.

The Swan Hotel has an attractive riverside setting, with terraces and tables directly overlooking the Thames. We sat outside on this warm September day. From time to time, boats would pull alongside and tie up, their thirsty occupants popping in for a pint. The menu was mostly familiar pub dishes like fish and chips, though with one or two more exotic touches. Charlie Kipping is the head chef, who previously worked with the Chestnut Group at The Crown in Suffolk. The wine list was quite short and omitted any pesky details such as vintages. It started at £30.50 and sample bottles included Lanark Lane Sauvignon Blanc at £41 compared to its shop price of £19, Hugel Riesling at £69 compared to its retail price of £30, and Laurent-Perrier Rose champagne at £114 for a bottle that will set you back £81 in a shop. 

Wild garlic hummus (£12.95) with toasted hazelnuts came with grilled pitta bread. This was quite an original dish, and it was a pity that the texture was a little crumbly rather than creamy, as the idea was good and the wild garlic flavour worked (12/20). Also pleasant were warm padron peppers (at just £3) with dukkah, a crunchy Egyptian condiment made of toasted seeds, spices and nuts.

Haddock and chips (£19.95) came with the traditional tartare sauce and mushy peas. The chips were triple-cooked and crisp, the haddock had a clean coating of batter, and the fish was properly cooked. A pedant might argue that the batter could have been more golden, but this was an entirely decent plate of fish and chips (12/20). 

An Eton mess with lemon curd (£7.95) was actually the dish of the meal. The meringue was delicate and light, the seasonal raspberries had good flavour and the lemon curd had a nice balance of sweetness and sharpness (14/20).

Service from our waitress (Molly) was very good, and the bill came to £49 per person, with just a couple of beers and a glass of wine to drink between us. If you shared a modest bottle of wine, then a typical cost per person might be around £65. The Swan serves pleasant pub food at an acceptable price, and the riverside setting on a sunny day is genuinely lovely.